you'd better watch out, you'd better not _____


Where do i start? Virginia, i know, it's been a week. but i've even been missing posting a little.

this week i was on christmas quarintine, secluded and used for yule-tide chores around crabapple lane. I spent seven days tip toing around and trying to make sure that everything went right with momma-joan so that at the end of my visit, i could go back to baltimore having achieved a very merry christmas. well, folks, as always, it's easier said than done.

today was a spat, and by spat i mean an abusive quarrell that ended up in me flipping over the coffee table and screaming so loud that i saw red like a blanket over my eyes. crushed that i could be provoked to such a point of hideousness, i cried for hours. what did she say? well, it doesn't really matter. let's just say it was some of the meanest things i have ever heard. and to top it off she said "words are only words, jessie, you base your whole life around them, and they don't mean dick."

i know that i wouldn't be around an realtionship that was based on this sort of dysfunction and abusive banter if i had the choice, so why is it that i have to be okay with it simply because it is my mother? i think i am going to take a long time before i go home for another visit. it seems like its safer for me in baltimore right now.

i'm a happy girl, so i don't mind posting on occasion about how dreadful i have been feeling lately. my brothers were not exactly elated by the christmas present i gave them. limited to a gift under ten bucks, i spent some time and started a book club online for all of us to read Diary, chuck polinick's new book. (i don't care if i spelled it wrong.) i thought a little internet message board might bring us all closer. and honestly, i got really excited about it. really really excited....so when they opened it and made small smiles that fell like crumpled wrapping paper and didn't even try to fool anyone....i got all weepy. i had to go to the bathroom. the next exchange is funny though:

Mike said :
"Jessie, are you in there."
-"uh-huh"
"are you peeing?"
-"uh-huh" (note i am not very convincing.)
"you don't sound like you are peeing"
-"i'mmm okkay."
" can i come in and give you a hug, or are you really peeing?"

Dan said:
"what's wrong with the kid?"

Mike said:
"i don't know, she's acting like a girl."

I opened the door, smiled and said:
"i don't know why i'm such a pussy dudes."

and then all three of us hugged. my brothers are good dudes. they are going to post on that webpage now. i win. haha.


So, since i seem to be on what are the events that have made me start crying in the past week i think i should mention that i saw my highschool boyfriend. yep, i saw him, at the Barnes and Noble, with his fiancee. weird right? she is a lovely girl. realy pretty and tall. and i am not sure why i cried when i left exactly. it's just sort of a strange thing, to see your first love really gone.

i'll probably regret this post later, i should probably start a no-regret-blogging policy...but until then i might regret this post because it sounds so sad...or weird, or to be honest weak. and mostly i might regret it because i talk so poorly about my mother. but, fuck it, she's crazy and mean to me. this post is going to be honest about that. fuck regret. okay, it looks like i started the policy.

and finally, should i be concerned that i have been crying so much? do you think it is the hormones in the pill? i'm not usually a pussy.