casual day

I'm cold in my office and I'm wearing my jacket. Today is Friday and I can wear jeans. But right now, with my thick sweater and suede jacket, I fell like someone else: Someone who rides horses, maybe. It's funny, casual day at work is more of a costume day for me. If I were really going to dress casually I would wear the jeans I put on after work, the ones with the hole in the knee that has gone far past being able to repair it the ones with the growing hole in the crotch. Instead I wear jeans with heals and a nice thick sweater to signal in the fall. I'm totally pretending.
I wish I could wear my torn jeans and sneakers and hoodie to work.

Last night was my brother's birthday party. I drove from work to Philadelphia had dinner and cake and came back. Chocolate fondue was also provided, so it was probably worth the trip. I realize that I hardly ever go home anymore, to the Philly area. Recently I've been going home a lot, and seeing how everyone has gotten older than I remember them ever being. They are all a little older and farther away. My brothers were all born very close to each other's birthdays. Sept, Sept and Oct. And on top of that the jayman and I were painting my mom's house. So, these past 6 weeks I've been home more than I've been home in several years.

There was a time when I was in school where I was really avoiding going home and hated it. I hated how everyone was mad that I'd been gone so long and wasn't warm to me. Kind of recently I realized that I have to make a greater effort than anyone in my family to be part of it because I chose to move "away." While everyone else stayed close to where we grew up. I wonder if the rest of them think of what responsibility they have to stay connected with the siblings. They might not have to think about it because they aren't "away" like me.

I only live 2 hours from where I grew up, but I've always sort of felt like I've deserted them. This probably seems like a really strange concept to someone who moved across the country to go to school or find a job. But three generations of my family live within the same town of Hatboro which is 1.2 square miles. My brothers took a leap when they moved out of the county. And when I went to Baltimore, everyone compared me to my cousin in New Zealand; Baltimore is the other side of the world. I guess I'm just trying to prove that isn't that far and I haven't left forever.

We all have a little issue about being deserted, I'm sure its connected to my family history. My mother is always screaming that everyone is leaving her and she is all alone. I guess I don't have as much of an issue about being deserted as I have an issue about deserting or being the one that leaves. So just to fill you in, I think I can safely say that I'm pretty consistently riddled with guilt that I don't acknowledge which compels me to drive four hours for a slice of birthday cake when I have to wake up for work the next day.

I hope that solved some confusion today. Let's recap:

1. Today I don't look like myself
2. I'd rather be wearing my hoodie and torn jeans
3. Casual day is a funny thing.
4. My brother mike had a birthday
5. I had fondue
6. I'm fairly consistently riddled with guilt because my father left my mother a long, long time ago and I do stupid things because of it.