Mussels and Wine
My dad came down to Baltimore for dinner last night. Eventually we moved to the topic of importance: the email and the wedding.
I'm definitely going to the wedding. Don't get confused about that, But I just saw the commitment of being a bride's maid to be too much of a sacrifice. My dad kept pushing and I explained that there was probably also a secondary motivation behind me not wanting to be a bride's maid: I don't like the girl that much... My brother and she often make decisions to make themselves comfortable (no matter it's affect on people around them.) I don't like being like that, but if it was going to tire me out and make me angry to come home all the time in preparation for this wedding, wouldn't it be better if I just came and enjoyed myself the day of so I could sincerely wish them well?
It was awkward to say to my father that I don't like Tam or trust her and that I don't like the way I've seen my brother be in the last year and half. I'm probably angry at both of them and didn't realize it until now. My father likes Tam a lot, so this obvious bias is awkward. He wasn't surprised or angry when I mentioned some of the fundamental things I had such difficulty with her because of:
"The first thing I noticed about your brother was his corporate credit card."
My dad wasn't shocked at all and even went on to say that because I went to a school like GOUCHER I don't think that way, but most people my age wouldn't think that was so strange. Most girls that went to big state schools think like that....
PLEASE tell me this isn't true.
What a terrible way to look at the world.
I love my brother and I would support him no matter what he chooses. He's already chosen Tam as his wife, and that's fine. But that doesn't mean I have to be her bride's maid, it means that I have to open a dialogue (God knows how) with my brother about why I think and feel the way I do, and how I can get past things. I don't have trouble being amicable with Tam or even seeing why my brother loves her.
I'm glad that I'm not making this effort to go home for this wedding stuff just to make everyone happy. What good would that do really? I'd end up being there hating everything and feeling like my life was falling apart in Baltimore. I rarely do something for myself in this family. I'm glad I did.
My other two brothers also have reservations about Tam and this wedding in general. All of this has felt like such a cosmetic fix to a real problem. Everyone has seen them be really selfish and not very nice. But they are going to be the groomsmen if asked to be. (They also live 20 mins away from each other.) They both called me to tell me that the were standing behind me and they thought what I did was a good decision.
My next oldest brother said : If you get stressed out just imagine me saying "those two do anything to make their lives more comfortable and so should you."
When I got home from dinner I realized that I was drunk and that my father has a very good way of breaking down your defenses: a bottle of white and a glass of red. However it was probably one of the more fruitful "fights" I've ever had in my life because he and I were really interested in making sure the other one understood our points. He wasn't accusatory as I thought he would be. More curious.
He thinks I should tell my brother everything: because he realizes that 18 years after his brother married Cindy he hasn't seen his brother. He doesn't like Cindy and spent 18 years avoiding her and now he and his brother don't have a relationship. He's never told my uncle that he doesn't like Cindy. He says he will take him out to dinner and tell him and then call me to tell me how it goes.
So everything felt more settled.
On another note:
He asked me a lot about my job, And I told him how working here would be great because I could pay for tuition to get my MFA in creative writing, so one day I can teach at a college...He said I was going to run myself dry in this job for a career that won't lead where I want it too. He offered to pay for me to get my MFA as soon as I wanted to and to help support me as I did it. Now I feel all confused about that!
My dad came down to Baltimore for dinner last night. Eventually we moved to the topic of importance: the email and the wedding.
I'm definitely going to the wedding. Don't get confused about that, But I just saw the commitment of being a bride's maid to be too much of a sacrifice. My dad kept pushing and I explained that there was probably also a secondary motivation behind me not wanting to be a bride's maid: I don't like the girl that much... My brother and she often make decisions to make themselves comfortable (no matter it's affect on people around them.) I don't like being like that, but if it was going to tire me out and make me angry to come home all the time in preparation for this wedding, wouldn't it be better if I just came and enjoyed myself the day of so I could sincerely wish them well?
It was awkward to say to my father that I don't like Tam or trust her and that I don't like the way I've seen my brother be in the last year and half. I'm probably angry at both of them and didn't realize it until now. My father likes Tam a lot, so this obvious bias is awkward. He wasn't surprised or angry when I mentioned some of the fundamental things I had such difficulty with her because of:
"The first thing I noticed about your brother was his corporate credit card."
My dad wasn't shocked at all and even went on to say that because I went to a school like GOUCHER I don't think that way, but most people my age wouldn't think that was so strange. Most girls that went to big state schools think like that....
PLEASE tell me this isn't true.
What a terrible way to look at the world.
I love my brother and I would support him no matter what he chooses. He's already chosen Tam as his wife, and that's fine. But that doesn't mean I have to be her bride's maid, it means that I have to open a dialogue (God knows how) with my brother about why I think and feel the way I do, and how I can get past things. I don't have trouble being amicable with Tam or even seeing why my brother loves her.
I'm glad that I'm not making this effort to go home for this wedding stuff just to make everyone happy. What good would that do really? I'd end up being there hating everything and feeling like my life was falling apart in Baltimore. I rarely do something for myself in this family. I'm glad I did.
My other two brothers also have reservations about Tam and this wedding in general. All of this has felt like such a cosmetic fix to a real problem. Everyone has seen them be really selfish and not very nice. But they are going to be the groomsmen if asked to be. (They also live 20 mins away from each other.) They both called me to tell me that the were standing behind me and they thought what I did was a good decision.
My next oldest brother said : If you get stressed out just imagine me saying "those two do anything to make their lives more comfortable and so should you."
When I got home from dinner I realized that I was drunk and that my father has a very good way of breaking down your defenses: a bottle of white and a glass of red. However it was probably one of the more fruitful "fights" I've ever had in my life because he and I were really interested in making sure the other one understood our points. He wasn't accusatory as I thought he would be. More curious.
He thinks I should tell my brother everything: because he realizes that 18 years after his brother married Cindy he hasn't seen his brother. He doesn't like Cindy and spent 18 years avoiding her and now he and his brother don't have a relationship. He's never told my uncle that he doesn't like Cindy. He says he will take him out to dinner and tell him and then call me to tell me how it goes.
So everything felt more settled.
On another note:
He asked me a lot about my job, And I told him how working here would be great because I could pay for tuition to get my MFA in creative writing, so one day I can teach at a college...He said I was going to run myself dry in this job for a career that won't lead where I want it too. He offered to pay for me to get my MFA as soon as I wanted to and to help support me as I did it. Now I feel all confused about that!
posted by j-e-s-s-i-c-a at 10:27 AM
1 Comments:
Let me unconfuse you about MFA degrees in Creative Writing.
How many different ways can you say "They Don't Count for Shit"?
Post a Comment
<< Home