Why don't you like me??

Wednesdays at tutoring are difficult and I always leave feeling like I'm a not only a shitty tutor, but sort of a shitty person. At first I sort of loved the challenge of having, quite possibly, the worst behaved student at the center. I had this fantasy that I would win her over with my charm and wit and eventually, not only would she do her homework, but she'd foster a new love for learning. This was ridiculous.

She says she hasn't had homework for weeks on end at this point. She's frustrating and rude and I get angry at her. I know sometimes my anger shows through, she shouts because she thinks I don't believe her stories about not having any homework, which, I guess I don't.
"Not-uh! I ain't got any!"
So, each week, I spend most of my time there trying to convince her to read or to play an educational game. Sometimes it works for about 20 mins, but that's the maximum amount of time I can keep her attention. I'm so emotionally involved. What are you supposed to do if someone who is 14 doesn't want to do her work? Her teachers can't seem to make her do it either. If I try to talk about her future goals and how we can work towards them, she just doesn't care. What do you do when you have a student that simply doesn't try? Not at all?

I chose two books off the shelf before tutoring started yesterday and gave her the option of either of them. This of course didn't work. She wanted to pick her own book. She picked one at a fourth grade reading level. This is okay, I thought, maybe she is most comfortable at a fourth grade level. But the truth is, I can't tell what her reading level is at all because she doesn't try at all. I understand, maybe it seems like she's not trying because it's difficult for her. I spend the entire session trying to be positive and give good feedback that would motivate her. I've tried being honest about how she frustrates me because I can tell she's intelligent. But none of it works.

Her tutor on Mondays seems to handle it in stride. I read her comments in our log book and I can see that although she doesn't do any work, her tutor doesn't seem half as frustrated as I do. Does she not care? How does she not get angry and feel defeated like I do?

At the end of the night I feel like I've wasted my time. I feel like I should have been trying to help another student or not be doing this at all. I understand what it's like to lie about not doing your homework. I did it for many years. I'd still do if I had homework. I was a pretty poor student when I was a kid, okay always, so I thought we could get along. I thought she'd tell me what I was thinking all of those years: this is a waste of my time, there are other things I'd like to be doing that would be so much more beneficial to everyone. There are other things I'd like to be reading about than what my teachers assign.

Me? I hope you don't loose respect for me when I tell you this: I was like that kid in Rushmore. I was involved in all of the clubs, editor of the school newspaper, lead in the play, worked backstage, model senate, debate, TV crew, and the list went on. I never went home. I'd go to school then go to work and then come back to school until sometimes 11pm and then sleep and come back in the morning. Homework? No. I just couldn't seem to fit it in. Class? No, I wasn't so good at going to class. I got through most stuff because of the kindness of kids in my classes, who I somehow convinced to let me copy their work. I almost didn't graduate because of algebra, health and gym. All of which the teachers sort of let me slide by. I worked a lot of "community service" hours making up for my Saturday detentions (yes we had detention on Saturday) and ended up having to run 10 miles for many missed gym classes the week before graduation. I used to write my own hallpasses, I used to write hallpasses to get other kids out of class. When I saw Rushmore, I hated it. I thought my friend sat me down to watch it so she could tease me.

So there is something I obviously have to get passed here. It's still this idea, that I've somehow always had. It's that everyone's mind works exactly the same way mine does. If I meet you, I'll like you pretty much right away, because I'll see that we are mostly the same, we just made different choices about how we want to pursue things. You are quiet and a geologist? We are probably the same. You are selfish and mean? Me too, I'll admit it. You love Prague rock? I also have things that I love. We are exactly the same, let's be best friends.

It's unfortunate really. I have all of these expectations that some stranger and I could be in my life forever because of the way they squint their eyes when they talk or stumble over words and stammer. Maybe I do have low standards, maybe I really think that I could be friends with just about anyone. But, the truth is, the friendships that have grown out of these spontaneous connections and weird moments where I literally blurt out "we should be friends forever" -- they usually work out. I have made some fantastic friends that way.

But what happens, sometimes, is that it frustrates me that they aren't like me. It frustrates me and even makes me angry that my tutor isn't who I want her to be. This makes me sort of a shitty person. I should be able to accept people for being different and having different goals, I should be able to accept them for not having any goals at all. It shouldn't bother me so much that my tutor doesn't like me.

I should be more relaxed about tutoring in general. I obviously shouldn't get so wound up that I write this insanely long entry about a 14 year old kid who doesn't like me. I'm a tutor, she's not supposed to like me. I definitely, definitely have to get over this trouble I have with people not liking me. This is totally an ego issue. Too inflated? Too deflated?

I wish there was some sort of therapeutic remedy I could call on you to help me with. Maybe I should start walking around with a really offensive slogan on my shirt and just let people dislike me (It will be like when obsessive compulsive people have to rub their hands in mud) Maybe I should take a trip abroad and wear USA gear, head to toe. Maybe you have some suggestions.