That's it!! I'm fed up! I'm getting a wedding ring

Last night I met my work friend for drinks at Holy Frijoles - I mean, granted, we're cute, but we came from work. It's not like we had time to Duff our shit out or anything like that. (By the way, I've decided that I want to start using Hillary Duff and Lindsey Lohan as verbs, please try to keep up.) We ended up meeting up -- and as usual, doing shots with -- Russell and Michael. Somehow when we were all talking, I was leaning on the back of my work friend's seat. The man, who I noticed had been creepily watching us, quietly slid his cell phone into my palm. What? Who does this? I said "Is this your cell phone?" as if I had found it on the ground, or it was left on the bar and not as though it had been placed in my hand when I wasn't looking. He replied with a nod. "You don't want it anymore?" I asked. Apparently he thought that, although we hadn't spoken or even made eye contact all night, that I might want to put my phone number into his phone. I smiled and said no thank you and that I wasn't interested in dating anyone. He said he wasn't either, he "just wanted to be friends." Hey, I just wanted to be friends so I thought of the creepiest way to start talking to you. He said, "you seem like fun." Or so I've gathered from eavesdropping. I said I still wasn't interested. We had a little argument "what you don't want anymore friends?" he asked (Which of course, all of you know, I love buddies, I want the most buddies ever...but not when they are trying to trick me.) It felt so mean to say "No, no I don't want to be friends with you. Please take your cell phone back. " But I did, and then he got his check and left.

See, I'm pretty sure that the only reason he chose to slide his cell phone into my palm, instead of my work friend was because I was the one without the wedding ring. You know, I'm not married, and it seems almost unfair that I might be able to reap some of the benefits without the commitment. There is an often forgotten benefit to being married, ladies -- you have a wonderful excuse out of situations like that. I, on the other hand, should just be glad that it was his cell phone he slid into my palm and not something more upsetting.

After the bar, I'll admit it, I was drunk. I thought it was a brilliant idea to get a slice of pizza from Kings across the street. They only had full pies, so I was waiting for a small, and sort of stumbling near the vending machine, when the man with the mop asks "Baby?" Of course, perhaps because of my earlier adventure, I assumed he was asking If I'd be his baby. But then he sort of pointed and nodded and said "baby?" again and I realized he was asking me if I was pregnant. For some reason, too slow or intoxicated to be offended I just smiled and replied "No, I'm just fat." and he said "Ok.ok." And we both smiled and nodded at each other.

The funny thing about this is that I'm not really fat. I'm a little soft, sure, that's part of my charm, but certainly not mistakable for a pregnant lady. But, then again, maybe it was because I was buying a whole pizza for myself and he thought I was eating for two. Or, maybe it was because I was completely intoxicated, if he works at the pizza place on the avenue, I bet he sees a lot of drunk pregnant ladies.

So, in the end, I'm going to buy a wedding band today to ward off creepy guys. Also If I'm going to appear pregnant, I at least want people to think I was married first.