Slainte rhymes with....

It was so nice to go to another happy hour - I can't believe that the last one I was at was back in March at Dizzy Issies. This one was quite the success. Great job, ladies! If you haven't yet, everyone should read Snay's very thorough post for all the details of last night.

It was great to see again/meet so many of you baltimore bloggers!

Rachel, Young, and Russell, I was so pleased that you all came & Frank, it was a pleasure to meet you, I hope to see you next time!

Happy Hour

I'm so psyched about the blogger happy hour tonight. I bet I'll be the first one there, because it's right down the street from my office. I'm totally getting a head start on helping Katrinia victims which also means - drinking.

Read jennetic's post for more info.

Dinner Party From Hell

God, Max and Tim are so annoying!!All night last night I was like "when will they leave!?" Geez.

hahaha. I'm just kidding, I knew they'd read this and I thought it would be really funny to play a mean trick on them - - I guess that makes me mean.

Yes, you guessed it, last night I had Max and Tim over for dinner. It started a little late because Tim was printing out his play - but it was great for me because I didn't have to rush from work - and I even had time to write my grandmother a letter. When they arrived, we drank wine and had quiche like grown ups. Later they quizzed me on common music trivia - which they were entertained and astonished that I really was failing at. But, like I say, true friends will find this endearing about me.

I think it's really funny that I invited a couple over for dinner. Mostly because couples usually invite other couples over for dinner. And I'm not a couple. It's just me. If we'd played board games, we would have had trouble picking one out that needed 3 players instead of four - which might be enough to deter someone from having a couple over. Which, if you think about it, it would be strange not to invite people over to entertain because you weren't an even number. I'm glad I'm not strange.

I do however make really creepy jokes. For example, as soon as they walked in, we joked about how I should have sat them down immediately and said "The real reason I brought you here was because I wanted to propose something between the three of us..." I assured them, if that were the creepy case, I would have made my bed. So watch out, if you come over to my apartment for dinner - and the bed is made --- uht oh~!

Ice cream bell

The fire alarm just went off and when we all finally got down stairs, there was ice cream waitng for us outside. Wouldn't it be nice if there was an ice cream bell in the office, and everyone had to stop what they were doing and report to the free ice cream location? Do you think that's what heaven is like?

barrrrrrrrinnnnng (that's how i imagine it would sound.)


today is also a lovely day because it is virginia's birthday. Wish her a happy birthday because she's lovely.

Centralia, PA

All squished in, me and the characters below went to Centralia, PA. The town was evacuated in the 1960s because the coalmines underneath of it caught on fire and never stopped burning.


brian is a good driver.

jeanne had to sit in the middle. (roxy doesn't know she's in the background. shh.)

roxy keeps her ipod in a sock.
mouse is really a mailman.

What a great team. We camped, we hugged, we played dead, we laughed, we ate & ate, we walked the "highway to hell" and saw neat things together. One day when there are pictures of the smoking ruins of that little town, I'll make sure you see them.

Best of nuthin'

Last night I went to the best of Baltimore party. I’m not best of anything except, maybe, best of the spare ticket finders in Baltimore. Much like freemason activities, this particular party is always shrouded in mystery to me. For you, I’ll lift the veil:

This year it was held at the Rams head in Power Plant Live. There is free beer and free rail drinks for the tons and tons of people who were there. The people ranged from dirty kids in cut-offs to men in business suits. Yeah, I was the one in cut-offs. There was a DJ and a dance floor and three floors of people bumping into each other to get food and look cool while doing it. Or, maybe they naturally looked cool and I was assuming that they were more like me. Third floor? No, that’s VIP. City Paper staff only, please. I heard a rumor that they had champagne up there. The food? Well, I’ll tell you a secret, If you go to this party don’t wait to eat until after you drink a bunch and wait in line at the bar, by the time you get up to the front of the line there will only be carved turkey and carrot sticks. Over all, what a bash. I’m so impressed with the City Paper – Who knew it was this big?

If you were there too, I probably didn't even see you. Unless you were Tim and you were the best dancer on the dance floor. Then I would have noticed you.

Dyn-o-mite

My brother's wife is pregnant. She's due to have a baby girl in December. I got a call from my brother and his wife last night. They needed my social security number. Me and my sister-in-law gabbed for a while before she said: "Actually, there is something kind of heavy that Joe and I wanted to talk to you about."

Joe is my oldest brother, I always thought of him as the J.J. to my Penny.


Last night he and his wife asked me that if they both were to die, if I'd be the one to raise their daughter as my own. They went on to say, that out of everyone in our family, that they think that I would raise her the way they'd want her to have the chance to grow up. They felt bad that they were sort of imposing this burden and didn't even really think about what a true compliment this was. And if anything were to ever happen to them, how honored I would be that I had such a great responsibility to them even after they were gone. Gosh, what a terrible thing to think about, though. Still, somehow, I was so pleased to understand that the same strong connection I feel about Joe and his wife, they feel about me too. That I think that they might be the only ones in my family that sort of see things the same way that I do. We are the farthest apart in age (which doesn't seem to matter much now) but the closest in everything else. I'd raise their baby any day.

What a totally heavy conversation.

That's it!! I'm fed up! I'm getting a wedding ring

Last night I met my work friend for drinks at Holy Frijoles - I mean, granted, we're cute, but we came from work. It's not like we had time to Duff our shit out or anything like that. (By the way, I've decided that I want to start using Hillary Duff and Lindsey Lohan as verbs, please try to keep up.) We ended up meeting up -- and as usual, doing shots with -- Russell and Michael. Somehow when we were all talking, I was leaning on the back of my work friend's seat. The man, who I noticed had been creepily watching us, quietly slid his cell phone into my palm. What? Who does this? I said "Is this your cell phone?" as if I had found it on the ground, or it was left on the bar and not as though it had been placed in my hand when I wasn't looking. He replied with a nod. "You don't want it anymore?" I asked. Apparently he thought that, although we hadn't spoken or even made eye contact all night, that I might want to put my phone number into his phone. I smiled and said no thank you and that I wasn't interested in dating anyone. He said he wasn't either, he "just wanted to be friends." Hey, I just wanted to be friends so I thought of the creepiest way to start talking to you. He said, "you seem like fun." Or so I've gathered from eavesdropping. I said I still wasn't interested. We had a little argument "what you don't want anymore friends?" he asked (Which of course, all of you know, I love buddies, I want the most buddies ever...but not when they are trying to trick me.) It felt so mean to say "No, no I don't want to be friends with you. Please take your cell phone back. " But I did, and then he got his check and left.

See, I'm pretty sure that the only reason he chose to slide his cell phone into my palm, instead of my work friend was because I was the one without the wedding ring. You know, I'm not married, and it seems almost unfair that I might be able to reap some of the benefits without the commitment. There is an often forgotten benefit to being married, ladies -- you have a wonderful excuse out of situations like that. I, on the other hand, should just be glad that it was his cell phone he slid into my palm and not something more upsetting.

After the bar, I'll admit it, I was drunk. I thought it was a brilliant idea to get a slice of pizza from Kings across the street. They only had full pies, so I was waiting for a small, and sort of stumbling near the vending machine, when the man with the mop asks "Baby?" Of course, perhaps because of my earlier adventure, I assumed he was asking If I'd be his baby. But then he sort of pointed and nodded and said "baby?" again and I realized he was asking me if I was pregnant. For some reason, too slow or intoxicated to be offended I just smiled and replied "No, I'm just fat." and he said "Ok.ok." And we both smiled and nodded at each other.

The funny thing about this is that I'm not really fat. I'm a little soft, sure, that's part of my charm, but certainly not mistakable for a pregnant lady. But, then again, maybe it was because I was buying a whole pizza for myself and he thought I was eating for two. Or, maybe it was because I was completely intoxicated, if he works at the pizza place on the avenue, I bet he sees a lot of drunk pregnant ladies.

So, in the end, I'm going to buy a wedding band today to ward off creepy guys. Also If I'm going to appear pregnant, I at least want people to think I was married first.

The Other

Last night I went out to dinner with my friend Emily and two new girls I haven't met before. As the night wore on and the dirty jokes progressed, I realized that I not only was I the only straight person at the table, but that I hadn't said or done anything that would let these new friends know that I wasn't a lesbian. As a matter of fact, surely not purposefully, I had done just the opposite. The evening was really fun. The lights went out in the restaurant because of construction outside and our jovial banter escalated to out-right hilarious mayhem. We had such a good time. Yet, at the end of the night, I kept wondering if I had maintained a facade that was somehow untruthful by not somehow clarifying that I was straight.

This is obviously somewhat ridiculous, and they could probably just tell, or even if they couldn't, it didn't even matter at all - but I realized it was one of the few times in life, where I have felt like a real outsider. I could, in some small way, understand how it might be for all of my gay friends, when everyone around them participates conversation where some fraction of it (or all of it)is based on heterosexual assumptions. Do they want to shout and proclaim "Wait, I have a feeling you might be making an assumption about me that is untrue - this is who I am!" And no doubt the moment passes, and just generally leaves you with a feeling of unease. Maybe leaving you with a question of whether these people who met you under an assumption about who you were would still like you if they knew the truth. I imagine, if this were the case, and it happened day in and day out, then eventually it would just be part of how you expected to exist in the world. How do I, as previously unconscious participant, feel about this?...Um, or, maybe, what if I was just thinking about it way too much?

The tempura was delicious, though.

Fuck Betsy Ross

I have a new favorite flagmaker.

Growing up in Philadelphia, we always heard this legend of a mop-hatted lady who was the first to ever sew a United States Flag. Okay, okay - she's still awesome. I like seamstresses as much as the next girl. But, Do you know about Mary Pickersgill?

During the war of 1812, Mary and her mother Rebecca constructed a flag with 15 stars. This flag was requested to be so large that each star was 2 feet across. It flew at Fort McHenry and was so large that even far away, it was visible to Francis Scott Key when dawn broke after Baltimore held it's own against the British. So inspired by the sight of banner yet waving, he started to pen the poem that is now our national anthem.

But, what's more amazing than all of that - is that these two women were middle class widows and had this successful business where they dealt merchants and sewed probably thousands of signal flags for all sorts of ships.-


Maybe you don't think it's as awesome as I do, but if you go to The Flag House and Star Spangled Banner Museum you too can learn all about the Baltimore Bloodhounds burning down Toronto, and the amazing ladies who often times go unrecognized.

I love the idea that right around the corner, on Queens Street (as Pratt used to be called) there was this woman who changed history. I hate the idea that I'm just learning about it now. Wouldn't it be amazing if women's history in schools was important enough that we would have heard about more than just Betsy Ross?

You should go to the flag house and star-spangled banner museum.

$5,287.56

The winner of the "Guess How Much Damage My Car Got When It Was Stolen" Game is JOANNA from PHILADELPHIA with a guess of $4,500.00!!!

CONGRATULATIONS, JOANNA!

Married with matching monogrammed bathrobes

Today is Steve-o's birthday.

See Steve-o with his pink purse below.

His name is not actually Steve-o, it's just Steve or Steven, but Virginia and I decided to Americanize it. We also decided that adding a "-o" to the end of anything definitely Americanizes it. Steve-o is from Manchester, England and we met him in a hostel in Chicago. He carried this pink purse with incredible irony, he might also have been the only British person that laughed at any of our jokes. For this we were indebted to him. Oh here's a close up on his bag that we all liked to call a purse:

Please note the two small pencils in the front pocket.

Upon hearing him detail the entire contents of this lovely little bag that he shared with his friend Ben - Virginia and I both decided that we'd marry him. (it's possible that the cutest part about this is that he shared the purse equally, it might have been what pushed us over the top.)

So, recently, it was decided by Virginia and myself, that the three of us should get married and live in a house together all wearing matching bathrobes. I imagine we'll spend plenty of time eating toast and giggling. Ahh. It will be a perfect union.

Happy Birthday Steve-o!

today, I miss virginia

look at her - all orange, all adorable.


Dear Virginia,

Do you remember when we ate at that little italian resturant and then took up-the-skirt-photos? Do you remember riding that train and taking notes on how to have the most boring conversation on earth? Do you remember breaking in to those minor league baseball player's hot-tub and swimming in our underpants?

You have to call me so I can tell you what I think we should both be for halloween you in chi-town, me in charm city. I know, you're wondering what happened to the baby dressed as a teddybear, dressed as a lion, dressed as princess. But I think this is way better. I swear.

Love,
Jessica

Ode

It has been brought to my attention that I don't mention Russell nearly enough on this thing. If it sounds like I'm doing something all by myself - oh and it's awesome - chances are that I'm actually doing it with Russell, and that later he'll read my post and be a little pissed off. It's understandable, really. If there is one thing I should fix about myself - it's this.

Adventure

It looks like my car was on a little adventure. His chest stuck out with pride when I found him - proud, like a little boy who was lost all day in the woods, and with a big stick in hand, and dirt smudged on his cheek, he finally found his way back to his own backyard. He announces himself at the screen door with sweat on his brow, his hands on his hips and his feet shoulder width apart, just a little closer to being a man.

And the thieves seemed to have fun too. They jumped out of the car when it was moving to evade the police and, in the meantime smashed up the front end – but luckily my bumper is of incredible design and saved me from any real body damage. The biggest expense will be replacing the bumper. We’ll talk to the body shop tonight after work, and maybe even have an estimate by this time tomorrow. Who knows?. Anybody could be close enough to win that coveted beer.

Oh, the thieves left me some presents. Some used tissues and dubie ash and some bits of caramel corn. What thieves eat caramel corn? Yes, they took all my CDs, except for Shudder to Think, apparently thieves hate that band. They left some CDs for me – I imagine, as they were jumping out of the car – So, now, I only have been listening to the thieves music. It’s mostly terrible burned and skipping copies of Baltimore house music – but I love it.

What an adorable little adventure for my car to go on without me. I’m so proud of him.

Recovered

I got a call from the police at 8am this morning. The car was recovered and is now at the impound lot on route 40. eek! We don't quite know if this is good news or not. It depends what shape the car's in. I wonder what sort of condition it's in. Every moment this gets more and more exciting. Do you think it will be drivable? Maybe we should all put wagers on the cost of repair. I like the idea of a gambling pool on the internet.

Also, in even better news - I found out from Jaime that the mural in the post below is being protected by BOPA (Baltimore office of promotional arts) and the man who bought the building is using his own money to not remove it, but repair it.

Okay, so here we go: I'll buy a beer to the person who guesses the closest to the cost of repairs on the vehicle without knowing what the damage is or could be.

Isn't this exciting?

My guts are all jumbled up in knots.

So long mural

Did they really have to get rid of the mural on the avenue? sigh.

Moving on from Stolen Car to Satan

There are 23 days left before they give up the search for my car and the insurance company writes me this 'huge check' to cover the loss. At any point between now and then they could find the little guy. I'm really hoping for the first of the two options. I don't want to see what those hoodlums have made of him.

So since, time goes on. This weekend, I didn't spend in mourning. I've cashed in a little on the amazing medicinal properties of alcohol, gotten my hair cut and gotten the shit scared out of me at that new the exorcist or whoever whoever movie. There is nothing to get your mind off the loss of your car than thinking that Lucifer might just creep into your house - and then, creeping into your body. ack! Some people love scary movies, and love the sensation of being frightened. Oh Jesus, not me.

When I was a little girl, I wasn't scared of normal things. Well, I guess there was the mental image of Jaws growing legs and climbing up the stairs to my bedroom -- But mostly there was one frightening idea of Satan, very calmly, legs crossed, in a chair, sitting in my closet watching me sleep.

My best friend, Jeanne, she used to be scared of being possessed. Once asked a priest at her catholic school if she could be, he didn't calm her fear whatsoever. Poor babyjeanne, thinking about the devil crawling into her flesh and having no control over her body or mind. It's nice when you and your best buddy were afraid of the same things when you were little. I guesss though, Jeanne's satan was far scarier than mine was. My satan just watched me while he chilled out next to my dress with neon orange bow.

Tiny, lost and cold

I know that my car's out there somewhere wondering how I could let this happen to him. Someone's probably stripped him naked by now and he has all his parts exposed. humiliated. Picture him, shivering, calling my name:

The world's far too cruel for him to be all alone out there. He's so tiny.

Holy Shit

Tonight, around midnight, my car was stolen on the 1500 block of Guilford. Shit. Completely stolen. The first thought I had was "How am i going to bring crabs to NY now that I don't have a car."

How can I still be so funny?

I shouldn't be alone after a getting my paycheck

I just spent $100 on bikinis.
Yes, plural.
Yes, just bikinis.
Yes, I know, winter's coming.

Sometimes I'm not very smart.

kanye west

today I sent him a thank you letter for being awesome.
If you would like to send one here is his address:

Mr. Kanye West
c/o Roc-A-Fella Records
825 8th Ave. 29th Fl.
New York, NY 10019

deadline.

Right now, I’m under a deadline at the office, but I do promise to tell you all about the following things: spray on tans, frontless/backless dress, going-away party, Y2K party, diffusing a frat-boy fight, an opera in a old jail, breaking into my best friend’s house, strange coincidences, root beer floats, coney island, batting cages, and all other exciting events from labor day weekend. Think of this as a tease post. A slutty, slutty tease post.

you want a job doing good in the world?

Or maybe just in Hampden?

A part-time, paid position at the Hampden Family Center just opened up:

Children’s Program Coordinator

Here are the details:
~Part time- 16 hours 4 days a week starting
~Afternoon and part evening hours of 2pm to 6pm
~Working with youth 3rd grade-5th grade
~Oversee “After School Enrichment Program”- Homework assistance and academic skill building games, enrichment activities of science, art, music and gardening.
~Beginning ASAP, program begins September 19th
~Bachelor’s Degree in Education or related field, experience working with youth a must
~Salary range $9-$12 hourly

For more information or send your resume to
Chris Plummer
Hampden Family Center
1104 W. 36th Street
Baltimore, MD. 21211
410-467-8710
or
chris[AT]hampdenfamilycenter.org

See???

Yesterday I took this picture of myself while I was at work. I was going to put it up in the corner to replace my jellyfish with a handlebar mustache drinking coffee.


Eww, but the longer I look at it, the more I think that I look like one of those muppets from the dark crystal or something.



See???